South African crime lord “Fat Murphy” is not only feared on the streets of Cape Town, he’s also a congenital hermaphrodite. Police were pleasantly surprised recently when, during a chase, Murphy’s plastic dong fell out of his pants.

SOUTH African police caught more than they expected in a Cape Town drug raid when a strap-on dildo fell off a suspected crime lord during a search, the Sunday Times reported.

Fat Murphy, feared on the streets of Cape Town’s notorious Cape Flats suburb, told a court that he is a hermaphrodite who holds male and female identity documents - one under the name Fadwaan, the other under Hilary.

Police and a tearful Murphy recounted the saga during a bail hearing for Murphy’s charges of possession of stolen property, which come on top of earlier charges of kidnapping and intimidation, the paper said.

“I had a vagina that could not be penetrated. But I also had male organs, testes. But I always knew I was really a man and that was what I wanted to be,” he told the court, according to the newspaper.

“God created me with both sexual organs. It was God’s decision, not mine.”

Included below is King Missle’s early 90s hit “Detachable Penis.”

(News.com.au: “Crime Lord’s” Fake Penis Falls Off During Raid)

 
I wonder if the left shoe has Biggie on it?
 
For a larger view click here.

 
Square America has a delightful series of stereo animated gifs titled “The Bar Mitzvah and Other Tales of Living in Stereo.” Totally worth a look.

 
“I do not have a single constructive proposal.”

This is hilarious. It’s poetry, too. This man is a genius. Give him his own TV show!

Here’s what it says about him on WIkipedia:

Koichi Toyama (?

Creepy cave-dwelling sword guy teaches the wee ones to become teenage ninja masters. Just think, if you had been this well ninja-trained that young, how awesome would your life be today?

(Via Everything is Terrible)

Bomb your opponent and your brain back to the stone age at the same time! It’s… beer battleship!

Just before Christmas we had a “hedgehog in the fog” themed party (just because we had a smoke machine). Some of fellow sharenators were here too - Ensx, Darius and BongoMan. Since BongoMan is studying architecture, he had some sheets of paperboard. So we figured we can use it to make a battleship table.

How to always win at battleship
1. Make a big battleship table. Use beer bottles/cans/etc as your ships. (Bonus: if you have a smoke machine, use it to create a feeling of a real battle!)
2. The rules of the game are simple - if you hit your opponent’s ship (beer), he has to drink it.
3. ???
4. No matter if you win or lose, you always win.

(Sharenator: Beer Battleship)

For very small wars.

Via Copyranter, Via English Russia.

 
(via HYST)

 
My favorite Gumby episode. It’s so good I can scarcely believe it exists. Bon Voyage, Art !

 
(thx JMJ !)

 
Thanks Nigel!

 
Howard Stern’s take on Sarah Palin’s audio book. Truly hilarious and definitely NSFW. You just know she’s going to complain to the media and/or try to sue him when she gets wind of this.

Thank you Ynohtna Oimefue!

 
Crowd-sourced surrealists Improv Everywhere are holding their second annual LA No Pants Mission starting with a “pants-less” subway ride in Los Angeles on Sunday before everyone ends up at the Hollywood and Highland complex. They’re being joined by members of the GuerilLA and other urban pranksters. Details below, but the subtext here is worth pointing out: while the rest of the country is freezing its collective ass off, we here in the great city of Los Angeles can go outside without our pants on! It was around 74 degrees here yesterday. Gorgeous.

To quote Randy Newman, “I love L.A.”

WHAT: 2nd Annual No Pants Metro Ride
WHEN: Sunday, January 10th, 2010 at 2:00 PM
WHERE: Metro System
BRING: $5 for Metro Day Pass, pants you can easily take off, something in which to keep them

This mission is pretty self-explanatory: we ride the subway just as anyone would on any given normal day, just without pants. (Note that this is NO PANTS, not NO UNDERWEAR day. Wouldn?

 
(via Super Punch)

 
Goo goo ga joob!

 
Remember “The Big Guy”? Mike from Brooklyn (AKA The Kid from Brooklyn and The Big Guy) is an outspoken senior citizen with a penchant for the “F” word who makes his home-pundit videos in his bathrobe (or shirtless) and puts them up on YouTube. Not saying I’m endorsing, necessarily, everything that Mike has to say (he likes Sarah Palin and is vociferously anti-Muslim), but very often he’s bust-a-gut funny and he’s more liberal than you might think at first glance. Here are a few better examples of Mike’s zany, boisterous and LOUD home-punditry.
 

 
Thank you Jesse Merlin!

 
Just when you think you’ve seen it all, something like this comes along:

My New Pink Button (tm) is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it. This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss. While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss. After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own. Now there is a solution!

They have several different shades—but of course—in their product line.

For instance, there’s “Bettie”:

Think of that favorite lipstick you wear for those dressy black tie affairs and think “Ginger.” This shade blends with a woman’s own skin tones to bring out that “sexy hot pink, I am fired up, look”. Go dancing this weekend and remember to bring “Bettie” along!

“Audry” will give your vagina a ?

 
The Simpsons opening, re-imagined as taking place in Estonia by Estonia TV3.
 
Via Pandora Young/Fishbowl LA

 
Instructables has a DIY step-by-step tutorial on HOWTO make a duck-footed mouse. Here’s a taste:

Step 1 Obtain and dry duck feet

Find yourself some fresh duck feet. If you or your friends hunt or raise ducks, you’re all set. Otherwise you could visit your local asian grocery, butcher shop, or live poultry source and ask for the leftovers. These feet came from a green-winged teal I shot myself. I ate the rest.

Instructables: Duck Mouse

Apparently Warren Beatty slept with 12,775 women between the age of 19 and when he got married. How do people get this job?

Wilt Chamberlain is the current ranking champ, having claimed to have slept with 20,000 women (enough that his personal life merits its own Wikipedia article). In his autobiography, he urges the reader to realize that (I’m paraphrasing from memory) “It’s better to have one woman 20,000 times than 20,000 women one time.” Crikey. I wonder if Mr. Beatty feels the same way?

It may not be one of the great remaining mysteries, on a par with the nature of dark matter or the origins of the universe, but the question of how many women Warren Beatty, 72, has slept with certainly seems to have got New York’s media-land in a froth.

Peter Biskind, Beatty’s new biographer, estimates that the famously seductive star of Bonnie and Clyde and Reds has notched up 12,775 sexual conquests, including Isabelle Adjani, Diane Keaton and Madonna. If true, that is impressive. Don Giovanni could only claim a lacklustre 2,065, according to Mozart’s librettist, Lorenzo Da Ponte.

Biskind writes in his book, Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America, that he arrived at the figure by “simple arithmetic”. He appears to have worked out the number of days between Beatty losing his virginity at 19 and the date in 1991 when he met Annette Bening on the set of Bugsy and fell into monogamy, and applied the questionable logic that during that entire period Beatty slept with an average of one woman a day. Biskind, an accomplished writer on Hollywood and author of Easy Riders, Raging Bulls, adds that for these purposes he ruled out “daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on”.

(The Guardian: Warren Beatty’s Sexual Conquests)

(Update: Apparently Warren Beatty debunked this.)