“What?”

What do some bison in Montana have to do with the world’s economy grinding to a halt, $25 per gallon gasoline and Karl Marx’s nefarious plans to crush America? (Besides nothing).

Kooky Montana state rep Krayton Kerns has come up with one of the more incoherent conspiracy theories I think I’ve ever come across after more than 25 years of watching that space rather closely.

Even by the admittedly dull intellectual standards of the Tea party, this is hilariously weak:

This winter, under the cloak of darkness and against Montana Code, 60 bison were relocated from the quarantine facilities of Yellowstone National Park (YNP) to the Fort Peck Reservation along the Missouri Breaks. This is the second of a four step process to crush the republic and bring our populace into perfect dependence on big government—just as Karl Marx dreamed. If you missed steps one and two, you will likely refuse to acknowledge steps three and four, but I will explain them anyway.

Step One: Whether Walt Disney was a cause or an effect is uncertain, but his personification of animals allowed activists to gift Bambi rights equal to those endowed us by our Creator. Simultaneously and incrementally, government schools began promoting the religion of environmentalism until eventually state sponsored worship of the earth and creation surpassed worship of our Creator. (If that last sentence made you winch, you see how deeply idolatry has infected the American soul.)

Step Two: Fully indoctrinated Americans have deemed YNP bison as a genetically pure mascot worthy of worship as the golden calf. This May, our US Senate discussed legislation to designate the bison as our national mammal, while activists quietly acquired conservation easements and commandeered Montana water rights through the Clean Water Act. The noose of federal control quietly tightened around massive tracts of Montana’s Missouri Breaks, and just as planned, 60 YNP bison appeared on the Fort Peck Reservation.

Step Three (Prediction): Like clockwork, YNP bison will overpopulate and escape their temporary home and within a decade, there will be thousands of bison ravaging The Breaks. Once Montanans discover the problem, it will be too late—just as it was with the introduction of the invasive species of the gray wolf.

Step Four (Prediction): The world’s economy will grind to a halt due to instability in the Middle East driving the price of gasoline over $25 per gallon. In desperation, America will attempt to develop the massive Bakken oil reserves of Montana and North Dakota only to learn a future leftist president has issued a moratorium on all oil exploration to protect the habitat of our national mammal, the noble, YNP-origin, American Bison. Think about it.

Our great American experiment in freedom is stampeding off a cliff. Surrounded by bison, there are American patriots in the leads hollering about this being a trap, but their screams are ignored as they disappear from view and ear shot over the horizon. Slaughter on the western plains has come full circle.

What is there to add to this? Why bother?