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When Dads were cooler than their kids: The Original Hipsters
04.25.2011
06:58 pm
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Your dad didn’t give a fuck before you did. He smoked, drank, fucked, fought, and pissed into the wind of life. Then one night, while jacked on mescaline, he screwed your mom. It was just supposed to be one night. But, that tryst became bastardized when you were conceived from it. Your dad had to settle down. So hipsters, next time you’re out drinking on a Tuesday night or biking without a helmet, remember you’re the bastard love baby of your dad’s not giving a fuck attitude.

“Dads: The Original Hipsters” is a compendium of photographs culled from the net that illustrates that hipsterism ain’t nothing new, in fact it’s ancient. Check out these shots of dads being cooler than you.

You can view more of these groovy artifacts at “Dads: The Original Hipsters” website. The captions are often much funnier than the pictures themselves.
 
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Your dad wore Chuck Taylors before you did. Those were his “Just do it” shoes. He could run faster, jump higher and ride your mom longer because of them. The only training you hipsters have done in those shoes are Natural Spirit chain smoking marathons and smug bike rides to dive bars. I wish time travel was real, just so your dad could kick your own ass for wearing the shoes that he made a legend.

 
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“Your dad wore short shorts before you did and he has the upper thigh tan lines to prove it. It takes a certain kind of man to pull off wearing what most would consider lady attire, but your dad was that man. He walked around with the kind of confidence that said he could properly sex any women, mollywhop any man and escape any law. People today call it swag, but your dad didn’t need a name for it because he had it everyday.

So hipsters, next time you’re cutting a pair of Dickies off to mid thigh so that you can ride your fixie without catching your shorts on your knees, remember this…

If you live to be half the man that your dad was, you’ll still be a disappointment, but at least you’re trying not to suck… which is a start, because you suck right now.”
 

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“Your dad went to dance parties before you did. Long before you were grinding up against some poor hipster girl wearing an American Apparel jazz jumper at a Steve Aoki concert, your dad was showing honey dips his hip swivels. Every move you make, including that slightly hunched arm dangle seizure shake you do, he did first. The only person with more patents on originality is Thomas Edison.

So hipsters, next time you’re rocking a tank, poppin’ some molly and headed out for the night, remember this…

your dad was the original dancing machine.

P.S. - Take a fucking shower already, you sweat when you dance and I don’t want to have to smell you the next day when I’m trying to enjoy brunch.”
 

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“Your dad listened to vinyl before you did. He had everything from Clearwater to Smoke on the Water. He would turn it to 11 and teach your mom how he rocked & rolled. So next time you break a needle on your turntable and don’t know how to fix it, call dad.”

 
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Marc Campbell, hipster from hell, 1971.
 
Before Burning Man and Coachella made it hip to wear your hair long and run around shirtless in the mud, your dad was wallowing in the filth at Altamont and sucking down Orange Sunshine at crab-infested communes - rocking out with his cock out and fucking anything that moved. That distant rustling in the bushes is the sound of your father screwing some flower child in the backwoods of Humboldt County while zooted on benzedrine and Boones Farm wine.

If you think you’re the first dude to get a blow-job while chanting Om in a sweat lodge, think again. Your dad was there first. And your mother was the hippie chick wrapping her laughing gear around dad’s blue-veined blood bomber.

Hipsters, you’re four decades late and three grams short of an eight-ball. Your dad snorted up all the lines and left you with the cut. Marc Campbell.
 
Thanks, Mirgun

Posted by Marc Campbell
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04.25.2011
06:58 pm
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