The controversy over Hitler’s remains kicked up (again) last fall when American DNA analysis revealed a sliver of skull fragment to be actually that of a woman’s.  Yesterday, though, Russia’s chief archivist of the Federal Security Service (FSB) dismissed such a claim.  Along with the skull fragment, the fragment of jaw preserved in the Lubyanka—Russia’s secret police HQ—is all that truly remains of the F?ɬºhrer because:

the KGB destroyed almost all traces of the dictator?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s corpse.  Lieutenant-General Vasily Khristoforov said that the remains had been incinerated in 1970 and the ashes thrown into a river in East Germany.

Agents under orders from the head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, had dug up a grave containing Hitler, his wife Eva Braun and the family of his henchman Joseph Goebbels.  The officers had removed the remains from a burial ground in a Soviet base at Magdeburg, Andropov having written to Soviet party chiefs recommending that the bodies be destroyed after it was decided to pass the base to East Germany.

In April 1970, Andropov compiled a report declaring that ?¢‚Ǩ?ìthe remains were burnt on a vacant area outside Sch?ɬ?nebeck, 11 kilometres from Magdeburg, ground into ashes, gathered and thrown into the Biederitz river?¢‚Ǩ¬ù ?¢‚Ǩ‚Äù either the Ehle river near Biederitz suburb or the Biederitzer See.

General Khristoforov told the Interfax news agency that Hitler?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s remains had been destroyed out of concern that his grave could become a Nazi shrine.  ?¢‚Ǩ?ìIt was not worth leaving any grounds for the rise of a cult of worship…there are people who profess the fascist ideology, regrettably even in Russia.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù

Battle of Hitler?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s Skull Prompts Russia To Reveal All

 
I’m an admitted sucker for the “Hitler responds” meme culled from Downfall.  Jump on this one while it’s still fresh.  Hitler’s not gonna be blurbing Rogue, that’s for sure!

As of today, there is no longer any proof that Hitler died at the end of World War II.

In exchange, I propose the following potential (not mutually exclusive) theories about where he ended up after the war. Feel free to add your own.

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Shaved mustache, retired in Florida.

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Boys From Brazil! Boys From Brazil! Boys From Brazil!

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Returned to art career. His lifespan unnaturally prolonged by genetic experiments, spent the next several decades improving art skills. Now has account on deviantART.

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Imported to United States under Operation Paperclip. Key collaborator on United States foreign and domestic policy 1945-2009.

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Camping trip with L. Ron Hubbard, Jack Parsons, Dalai Lama and Merle Haggard results in interdimensional portal from which come Flying Saucers; Cthulhu; 4Chan.

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Through technology given to Nazis by Grey aliens, has his consciousness separated from body and re-purposed as a continental economic system in which his theories live on. Code name: “European Union”

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Running waffle house in Harlem

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Running Harlem Globetrotters

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Star turn as Brad Pitt in “Inglorious Basterds” lauded by Hollywood elite

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Is the Internet

?¢‚Ǩ¬¢ Is Crusader Cat

A truly WTF? moment courtesy of Heeb magazine’s “Germany” issue… Roseanne dressed as Hitler. Why not?

I once met Roseanne and she was as cool as fuck. I met her at a function at the Tribecca Film Festival in 2000 when she gave me an award. There is actually a photograph that was taken that morning of Roseanne, myself and Gary Coleman at the ceremony. Sadly I do not have a copy of it.

Afterward we discussed our respective “collections” and she nearly trumped mine with the first thing she mentioned: She told me that she owned the entire archive of Lenny Bruce materials that had belonged to the late attorney Martin Garbus. I was pretty impressed!

She also told me about her interest in medieval alchemy—it was clear from her conversation that she knew what she was talking about—and she asked me if I could hook her up with some herb while she was in New York. So I called the weed delivery service I used at the time on her behalf (I also once hooked up Sid Caesar, but that’s another story).

I am pretty sure sure I smoked a bowl with her standing on Hudson Street that day, but for obvious reasons, my memory isn’t what it used to be…

?¢‚Ǩ?ìHello,?¢‚Ǩ¬ù she barks in a general greeting to everyone and no one. I approach with the kind of caution usually reserved for wild animals and salute her with a ?¢‚Ǩ?ìSieg Heil?¢‚Ǩ¬ù in honor of our shoot. She looks at me blankly and asks, ?¢‚Ǩ?ìWho are you??¢‚Ǩ¬ù I do my best to explain, then abruptly break the second Roseanne commandment: ?¢‚Ǩ?ìSorry, I?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢m a bit nervous,?¢‚Ǩ¬ù I stammer. The second the words are out of my mouth I brace myself for the onslaught, but to my surprise I seem to have amused her and Barr softens into the loving, if somewhat irritated, matriarch who charmed a generation.

As the ?¢‚Ǩ?ìDomestic Goddess?¢‚Ǩ¬ù dons the famous moustache, transforming into ?¢‚Ǩ?ìDomestic Goddess Hitler,?¢‚Ǩ¬ù I notice that she?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s beginning to have fun. She nails the Fuehrer?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s facial expressions with twisted glee, and as she takes the burnt gingerbread ?¢‚Ǩ?ìJew Cookies?¢‚Ǩ¬ù out of the oven it occurs to me that Barr may be the last celebrity utterly incapable of giving a fuck?¢‚Ǩ‚Äùa quality theoretically easy to embody until it?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢s time to face the practical repercussions.

Roseanne: That Oven Feelin’